4 Ways to Model the Value of Repairing Relationships to Our Kids

We spent a lovely morning driving into the mountains, reveling in the vibrant yellow aspen leaves. Well, I was the only one reveling. Whenever I asked my three-year-old daughter what she thought, she told me the leaves were ugly. But I let her have a different opinion—even if it lacked tact—because I desperately needed the medicine only a mountain adventure can provide.

Instead of falling asleep on the way home, my daughter spent the hour-and-a-half drive crying and whining about wanting to go back. I wish I could say I was gracious, but I wasn't. I did try, but after thirty minutes, my words turned harsh and snappy. I tried loud music to drown her out. At one point I even screamed a little and asked her how she would feel if I did that the whole way home (I'm pretty sure the point did not land).

We arrived home in tears, feeling defeated, with none of the mountain peace I'd been so desperate for. But I knew one thing with absolute clarity: I owed my daughter an apology.

Of all the things that should come with a guidebook, parenting is surely at the top of the list, right?

We're knee-deep in the formative years that will set the tone for my daughter's relationships going forward. And if there's one thing I want to instill in her, it's how to repair relationships with wisdom and intentionality.

Repairing relationships is crucial because it:

•     Sets expectations for a healthy relationship.

•     Teaches kids that no one is above apologizing and making things right.

•     Shows children that arguments happen, and they don't necessarily spell the end of a relationship.

1. Set Expectations

When a person's actions and words don't align, their actions show the truth. How my husband and I handle apologies will shape what my daughter thinks is normal and what she expects from others as she grows up.

Every time my husband or I acknowledge we were wrong and make amends, we teach her that repair is part and parcel of a relationship. If we break something, we try to fix it—on purpose. We don't shift blame or try to justify. We take responsibility, we name what we did wrong, and we ask for forgiveness.

An apology can get lost when an explanation (or justification) enters the chat. So relational repair is about fixing what's broken first, not making the other person understand why it broke in the first place. When I'm apologizing, the “why” is a conversation for another time.

2. Teach that No One is Above Apology

Okay, God is above apology, because He is perfect. But the rest of us still need to apologize for our mistakes.

In Matthew 5:23-24, Jesus says, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift." (ESV)

Some parents think they don't need to apologize to their kids, and so some people never receive the apologies and repairs they deserve. A parent who refuses to apologize can create a power dynamic that says, “If I have authority over you, I don't need to worry about wronging you.” We know this is a toxic and harmful mindset that can lead to abuse of power and authority, which is on stark display throughout our world today.

When I apologized to my daughter for my behavior on the drive home from the mountains, I reaffirmed that even parents make mistakes, and we are responsible for owning them and fixing what we've broken. At three years old, my daughter may not have really cared about the apology. But what I practice now will become my habit when she is older. My apology also helped her reflect on her behavior, and unprompted, she chose to apologize for how she had been behaving.

By taking the lead in repairing our relationship, I showed my daughter that the burden of repair does not fall only on the one who was hurt. Authority does not justify blindness to the impact of our actions. Someone who doesn't notice what's broken is not likely to be a healthy relational partner.

3. Learn to Fight Fair

In relationships, our children learn how to argue—either from us or from someone or somewhere else. We don't typically think about teaching our kids how to fight verbally; after all, they seem pretty good at it without any lessons.

We can feel the urge to hide arguments and disagreements from our kids, but that does them a disservice. Kids pick up on tension, so hiding hard conversations may teach them never to address issues. If our kids don't learn to fight fair—to resolve conflict without verbal attacks—they won't know how to work through their own disagreements. Without knowing how to fight fairly, conflict may end a relationship that could otherwise thrive.

In Brain Rules for Babies, Dr. John Medina points out that kids need to witness relational repair so they learn to do it themselves and know disagreements don't have to end a relationship. Certainly, we shouldn't have every disagreement or argument in front of our kids, but all relationships have tension and spats. When we model and practice repair, we prepare our kids to step into any relationship confidently, knowing what a healthy relationship should look like and that it takes intentional effort.

4. Practice Makes Progress

I'm not proud of how I responded to my daughter's mountain meltdown. But when I apologized to her, I believe I continued teaching her to be the kind of friend, partner, and leader who intentionally repairs relationships. I showed her how to own a mistake and recognize that her choices affect others.

When my husband and I model this with each other, our daughter learns that conflict doesn't mean incompatibility. Instead, she learns to fight for the relationship by having hard conversations and repairing the inevitable wounds.

 Meet Our Guest Writer

Alisa is a Christian writer currently focusing on biblical compassion in difficult relationships. By sharing her own experiences authentically, Alisa hopes to help women find healing and freedom through a deeper understanding of how God calls us to show compassion. She also often writes about praise and worship, particularly in the middle of hardship and heartache.

Alisa is a military wife and stay-at-home mom who drinks lots of coffee, reads as much as she can, and gets outside as often as the weather allows. She loves hiking, stargazing, and listening to the rain.

You can find her online at alisaodonnellauthor.wordpress.com, on Instagram at @alisaodonnellauthor, and on Facebook under Alisa O'Donnell Author.

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