Slowing to a stop for the red light, I noticed the bumper sticker on the car in front of me. “Behaved girls rarely make history.” I about spit out my water as I laughed out loud in the car by myself.
See, this had been a season of trying to make myself into someone I was never meant to be.
And today was no different as I talked to God in the car on my way home. I thought I had won the battle, convincing God I was not the girl for the job. Then I read the bumper sticker.
“I give up,” I said as I threw my hands up in the air.
I had made a list of why I was not “Christian” enough. Whatever that really means. And I should know, better than anyone, what a fallacy it is to stereotype Christians. But to me, it meant looking and acting like a friend I knew. Honestly, I think the Proverbs 31 gal was written about her. She is a genuine person with a martyr soul.
She constantly does things for others. Surely, she’s never gossiped or said a foul word. Disobedience is not in her vocabulary, even as a teenager. She dresses modestly and has attended Wednesday night Bible study since she was a child. She is a perfectly patient mother and wife. She excels at her job that she loves. She is truly a great friend.
And many people love her.
It’s not that I don’t possess some of the same qualities – I just don’t do everything by the book. Never have. It’s not as easy for me to “walk the line”.
For a season, I unfruitfully tried to fit in at church. Tried several different ones. I upped the volunteering and read through at least a chapter each night of the old King James. I dove head first into tons of Christian Self Help books until I read one that called eating too many Oreos a sin.
I threw the book in the garbage and opened a bag of Oreos. “There’s something that feels good about being shameful,” I thought.
I also love rock n’ roll, just like the song says. I pray for patience every day to deal with my love bugs. And I often have to pray for forgiveness for losing my patience. I enjoy a glass of wine every now and then. Curfew was negotiable, I thought, as a teenager.
Firecracker is part of my personality profile!
There’s been many times I’ve been judgmental, jealous and I’ve engaged in water-cooler talk. I’ve complained too much and questioned authority more times than not. My sense of humor is not always PG. I like to wear the perfect little black dress and I don’t own a turtleneck.
And I love to dance!
It’s just me.
I mess up. A lot.
Every day, I honestly work on improving myself.
And I still mess up. A lot.
I don’t think I am the best example of what a “good” Christian should look and act like. Certainly, my selfishness and despair throughout my tough years were not exemplary. I had witnessed others weather storms with grace, resolve, and praise. They deserved to be the examples. And I’m sure they are to many, including me.
However, I knew I was meant to write and to tell my story. It weighed heavy on my heart for two years. Everywhere I went, I wrote a story. As time passed, my stories evolved with less focus on my disease and more focus on the One who took away and then gave it back ten-fold.
All of the stories end the same way -- with an amazing God!
One who made us exactly the way we were meant to be.
One who forgives us for our messes and molds us into His masterpieces.